The Negative Impact of saying ‘Good Job’ on Your Kids.
Baby Kala’s Story.
I read one article recently (Alfie Kohn from 2001) about why we should stop saying “Good Job” to kids. Let me explain the imapct of saying “good job” to kids.
This might not actually be the best way to encourage them. It could have unexpected effects on how they learn and grow.
This story is about a sweet little girl named “Kala” (my niece) who is two and a half years old.
Kala is really sweet, like a little bunny with a lovely smile. She’s clever, full of energy, always busy, and she’s well-behaved. I love her a lot.
She was born in Asia but her papa is from Germany. Her papa likes natural things and wants her to eat healthy, like coconut milk instead of regular milk, herbal drinks and lots of fruits and veggies. She really enjoys those foods, just like her papa does. Her papa wasn’t happy with the schools in Asia, so he looked after her education himself until they go back.
One day, Kala came to my house and demonstrated how she can do a forward roll and backward roll. (somersault backwards & forwards)
After she did it, her mum praised her syaing “ good job Kala”, then I said, “Well done, Kala,” and even my sister cheered saying “good job Kala”.
She was smiling and clapping, but guess what happened next…
Kala’s papa said
“ Wow you got strong hands Kala and good timing , you are a brave girl”
When she heard it, she smiled in a way I’ll always remember.
She widened her eyes, then she dashed to her papa and gave him a big hug.
What can you see in this incident? what can you feel? I felt “woooww… what an encouragemnet”. Kala’s reaction was really something for what he did.
Let’s see what we did and what Kala’s papa did.
What We Did.
We all said “good job, Kala” and she felt happy.
When everyone said the same thing, she waited for everyone and then she clapped for herself.
So, who made the choice for Kala to clap? We did.
We didn’t give Kala a chance to think about anything else except hearing “Good job.”
We didn’t let her show any other reaction to what she did. When one person said “good job,” she waited to hear the same thing from everyone, and then she clapped and felt happy.
This shows that kids depend a lot on getting praise or approval from others.
When everyone keeps saying the same thing, praising Kala all the time with “good job,” she might lose interest. Doing something repeatedly might make her less interested in that activity over time.
What Kala’s Papa Did,
“Wow you got strong hands Kala, and good timing. You are a brave girl”
Kala’s papa said something unexpected, which made her think differently. Hearing different things helps Kala learn and understand more and gather information to her thought process.
She was so curious when she heard “strong hands,” wondering what it meant. She didn’t understand what it referred to or why it was said. So, she simply ran and hugged him, not really knowing what she had done or heard.
Kala’s papa let her choose when and how to have fun. The real happy moment for Kala was when she hugged her papa.
That’s how she expressed her deep joy without using words. Even if she can’t put her feelings into words, her body responded to her papa’s words without her needing to think about it.
Kala’s papa supported her skills and encouraged her to do it again, sparking her curiosity to do even more.
Kala’s papa ’s comment was genuine, unlike the ones we gave.
By being clear in praising Kala, her papa helped her understand exactly what she did.
This is how kids learn everything. This is how their mindset is formed. It’s how they build confidence and this is how creators are born.
You get to choose how you react to your kids.
